The Silent Grief

Posted on Sun Jan 14th, 2024 @ 1:45am by Lieutenant Dwight McCabe & Lieutenant Bela Swain
Edited on on Tue Jul 23rd, 2024 @ 10:12am

2,063 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: Broken Mirror
Location: Counselor Department

ON:

After Dwight McCabe came back a week ago from attending his mother’s funeral on Earth, he hasn’t been feeling like himself. His nurses have mentioned that he needs to see the counselor himself. Even the Captain has mentioned it. The doctor didn’t feel like it and spent most of his time at work in his office doing very little paperwork on PADDs that are beginning to pile up. There are times he sat back and stared at the wall until someone walked in to interrupt his zombie stance.

Dwight knows that everyone is starting to be concern about his well being. Being alone seems to aggravate his mind, seeing his mother in his mind. Maybe the guilt that he hasn’t seen her after working for USS Calypso. But it was nice to visit his hometown and his country of Ireland. It wasn’t really a vacation as it was short.

A nurse came in, breaking his thoughts again. “Are you okay, doctor?”

“Yes!” He accidentally shouted. “Sorry, I have too much going on…”

“Maybe you need to see the counselor?”

“I’m too busy.” The doctor looks at the PADD in her hands. “You have something to give me?”

The nurse hands the PADD over. “Another patient came in with a broken foot and we tre-”

“You are good to go, thanks,” he interrupted, feeling anxious. He nearly slammed the device on top of the stacked PADDs off to the side of his desk. “Dismissed.”

The nurse immediately left.

Dwight went back to staring at the wall daydreaming.

It did not take long for the news to reach Bela. The diminutive Risian always had her ear to the ground and when a nurse had come to her saying that the doctor seemed out of sorts, she decided to check in on him.

Oddly, the two of them had not really interacted, though they knew each other was on the ship. She also knew that the CMO took a leave of absence for a bit of time. However, as they had not really started working with one another together, she did not know much about it, either. Well, thought Bela, it is way past time we met and it sounds like he might need me.

Dressed in her Starfleet uniform top, she offset it with a yoga pants bottom that molded to her womanly form. One of the small privileges of being a counselor is that one did not have to be in uniform unless the Captain desired it and since Commodore York had not said she could or could not, she was testing her boundaries.

The Counselor floated through sickbay and over to Dwight's office and rang the chime.

The doctor grunted at the sound and wondered if that nurse came back to disturb him again. He took his eyes off the wall and grabbed a PADD, pretending to be doing work. “Come!” He said with a forceful speech.

Bela strolled into the office and saw that the doctor had a PADD in his hands. This did not deter the counselor, however. She sashayed all the way over to the doctor and put her arms around his shoulders and the side of her head facing away from his but against it and hugged him firmly. "Are you having a difficult day, Doctor?" she asked in the most concerned voice that the Risian had.

He was taken back by the physical touch, but he suddenly remembered that she was well known on the ship as the hugging counselor. He took a deep breath as he set the PADD down on the desk. “Go ahead and have a seat.” After she was settled, he gave her an answer. “Yes, it has. I assume someone told you about my behavior lately?”

The counselor had reluctantly sat back in her directed seat. There was a time to hug and a time to give space. "You can assume as you wish. I think you should know that I cannot reveal information, just like you cannot," she told him seriously but with a small curve at the corner of her lips. "But I can tell that you are stressed. So, why do you not tell me how I can be of service to you? All that is mine, is yours."

His focus was her striking blue eyes as he had never seen them up close; nearly mesmerized by them. “You’re right. I feel guilty,” he leaned back in his chair and his eyes drifted to stare at the wall to the right side of her head and his mind went blank. The silence began. He wasn’t sure what to think or where to start at the moment.

Bela sat for a few moments and waited. She was comfortable in silence and right now it appeared that the doctor was sorting his thoughts as best as he could. "What are you thinking about?" she prompted, finally.

Dwight’s emotions run deep with his parents, carrying a very close relationship with. He took a deep breath, almost sighed. “My mother…” A long pause as the memory of her on her deathbed. More words were stuck in his thoughts. “Death…guilt.”

The Counselor wanted to go up to Dwight and give him another hug but at the moment, he seemed much more comfortable like this, so she kept her distance at the moment. At least he was talking. "Tell me about those things, Dwight. I'm here."

Surprised that the counselor called him by his first name, the doctor looked back at her eyes. “There, I was able to be. Guilty feel. Time.” He was sure that he wasn’t making any sense of his words. He switched to Irish, talking proverbs in a few lines.

Bela's blue eyes met the doctor's. He was not making sense to her but she could tell there was some semblance of sense to him. She rose from her chair and put his hand into hers. "Try again. I know this is hard, but I'm here for you Dwight. We will take as much time as you need."

Again, he didn’t expect her to physically touch him. Dwight pulled back his hand and stood up to pace the small space behind his desk. He tried to fight the emotion of grief. He didn’t expect someone to show him compassion because he is a compassionate person himself, mostly in medicine.

When his mind came back to reality, he stopped and stared at the counselor sitting there. “The death of my mother,” he paused and continued. “Tore my heart into pieces. It is hard to share my feelings with anyone as I’m not one to do so. I didn’t grieve enough, especially in front of my father.”

"Why do you say that?" Bela wanted to go to him and touch him again, but he had pulled away and for the moment, as long as he was talking, that would have to be enough. In the meantime, she would listen and wait. There would be a time when he would need it.

Knowing that the counselor isn’t human, he assumed that she might not fully understand or have any experiences of a loss herself. “Have you ever lost a parent? We humans have different ways of grieving,” he sighed. There is some feeling of guilt when he has spent too much time away. It may be the way of life where a child leaves the nest, go out in the world to do his/her life with a career then marriage and raising children. His closeness was with his mother than his father. He stopped pacing and sat down.

"I have two parents," Bela told Dwight. "Both of them are still alive, thankfully. However, I have not seen either of them in quite some time. I'm sure that they would have preferred me to stay in the family business, but children need to grow. I probably should check in on them, I admit. But grieving is not unique to any species. There are very common factors. In humans, like yourself, the stages are: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, acceptance, and then processing."

He slightly bit the inside of his cheek. “I know the human psychology. I am feeling the guilt. I guess I really need more time off and use the holodeck of my homeworld.”

"That is definitely possible, Dwight, but I feel like you are beating yourself up unnecessarily and I want to know why. You said that you did not grieve enough in front of your father. When I asked why, you avoided answering the question and went to the questioning of whether Risians and humans grieve differently. Avoidance is not a healthy way of addressing your pain. I'm here to help you, Dwight. Whatever you need. Whatever it takes. I'm here." The heartfelt openness and genuineness of her voice poured out.

“Beating myself up? I don’t know. If the Captain saw me in this condition, she will put me off duty…,” he paused and continued, “Sometimes I have trouble dealing with things of family and my father doesn’t want to hear about it. He always not show grief even for his own parents a long time ago. Irish are known to be stubborn. Can’t believe I’m saying all this out loud. Anyways, I’m partial to stubbornness. I don’t want to be like my father, but I’m trying to deal with the loss of my m—” The doctor swallowed. “I didn’t want to burden anybody of my problems. What do you suggest I do? Holodeck?”

I could put you off duty too. Have you forgotten? "Talk to me. Let me help," she approached Dwight and took his hand. "We'll walk this path together and we will get you to the other side. Let me share your burden."

Dwight glanced down at her hand as he felt that he should be on the other side with bedside manners. He didn’t pull away as he would have and looked back up at the counselor. He stood up, not sure if she was going to lead him somewhere. “Burden it may be,” he said.

The door chimed. He detached his hand from the counselor. “Yes?”

A young nurse entered. “I received a message that you are relieved from duty and I wanted to make sure that everything is okay as we have a substitute coming in…”

“I didn’t asked for to be relieved…” he frowned as he viewed the counselor’s face.

Bela was confused. "Where did you get that message from? I am not aware of the Doctor being relieved. The Chief Counselor should be the first or second to be informed of such an event. And I do not believe that anyone directly informed the Doctor, which is a breach of protocol."

The nurse handed the PADD with information to the counselor, “I am confused as well, ma’am. Sir. Just following orders.”

Need a drink, Dwight thought as he watched her eyes reading the device and wondered who or what must have made a mistake relieving him of his duty. His work shift is almost over a doctor should be coming to start a shift.

The Counselor was undaunted. "Who did you get the message from? You did not answer my question."

“Chief Nurse Lowe,” she responded nervously.

"And who did Nurse Lowe get that from?" Bela scrutinized. She looked over at Dwight, concerned for his well-being. She moved over to him, touched his hand lightly and said, "Don't you worry. We will get to the bottom of this."

“I am sorry, I really don’t know, sir”, the nurse looked from the counselor to the Chief. “I need to get back to some patients to monitor them.”

Dwight grunted. “Maybe ask the Captain, counselor?” He pulled his hand away as the touch is not helping him, feeling remorseful and confused in the mix of emotions.

"I think that is necessary," Bela agreed. She left her hand with Dwight, not willing to part until she knew that his needs were handled. "I will solve this for you."

OFF:

Lieutenant Dwight McCabe, MD
Medical Officer

Lieutenant Bêla Swain
Counselor

 

RSS Feed