Pt 5, Counseling Session: Maryam Syed

Posted on Sun Jul 19th, 2015 @ 8:31am by Lieutenant Arnon Barak MD, PsyD & Chief Petty Officer Markos Ileos & Lieutenant JG Maryam Syed

1,750 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: Deadly Diplomacy
Location: Arnon Barak's Office
Timeline: Current

ON

Chief Markos Ileos stood next to his boss. On Arnon's desk lay arrayed in a line for his perusal were several rubber chickens of various colors, shapes, and sizes.

"So," the Chief was saying. "At this end you have your basic, entry-level rubber chicken. At this end is the high quality premium deluxe model. I acquired several intermediate models so you could test them out."

"Excellent work as always Markos," Arnon said. He proceeded to pick up each rubber chicken one at a time and examined them. He swung a few of them around. Finally, after checking all of them, he settled on the one he wanted.

"I'll take the premium deluxe," he said. "I like the heft and the balance. And the texture is nice, too. I'll keep this. You can take the others away. Thank you again Markos."

"My pleasure, sir," he said. "Let me know if you need anything else."

Arnon's comm beeped. He answered it.

"Doctor," said one of the petty officers who assisted Markos. "Your next appointment is here."

"Superb!" Arnon said. "And who is our next victim?"

"Lieutenant Maryam Syed," the petty officer replied.

"Ah yes," Arnon said. "Send her right in."

Markos meanwhile gathered up the rubber chicken samples, leaving the premium deluxe on Arnon's desk. With his arm load of rubber chickens, he headed for the door of Arnon's office. Just as he got to the door, it opened and standing in the doorway was Lieutenant Syed.

"Ma'am," he said, as if exiting a counselor's office with an arm load of rubber chickens wasn't the least bit out of the ordinary.

Maryam eyed him oddly as he left, a hesitant smile on her face. Then she turned to Arnon. " What's with the chickens?" She moved towards her chair as she awaited his answer. " And uh, hello Doctor Barak."

"They're part of an experiment I'm conducting," Arnon replied. "Can I get you anything?"

" A coca cola would be nice," Maryam replied, sitting back comfortably in the chair. Though she appeared relaxed, she was slightly apprehensive about the counselor. The first counselor she'd met aboard the Sunfire had put her off them in general - she sensed they were all well-intentioned folk who did not actually care about the people they were trying to help. She hadn't yet met a compassionate counselor, the sort that made it perfectly clear that they were so excited and eager to help. They all seemed to be very professional, very calm and their only good quality was that they listened without interrupting.

Her eyes met Arnon's, and she looked away quickly, as if he'd be able to look straight through her and discover her guilty thoughts.

"So," Arnon said, getting Syed her beverage and bringing to her. "What do you want to talk about?"

After Arnon handed Maryam her drink, Arnon took a seat across from her.

"Mmm, that tastes good." Maryam closed her eyes as she drank in the blissful taste. Bubbles fizzed on her tongue. " Um. Talk about? Ahh...I...could talk. Yeah, I know, that's why I'm here. I suppose I ought to talk about...something of importance." She shifted uncomfortably in the chair and smiled sheepishly at Arnon, feeling herself grow hot. She knew the perfect topic of discussion, and also how much she was beginning to wish it wasn't.

"We can talk about whatever you wish," Arnon said.

" Um. I could talk about what happened on the Sunfire. I...there was a diplomatic incident. And, um, um..." She looked aside. " Come on," she muttered to herself, " This shouldn't be so hard. I'm sorry. Some Cardassian official captured me and promised the deaths of two innocents unless I gave him knowledge I had - important stuff, stuff I couldn't tell. So I said no, and she killed them."

"Do you feel guilty about that?" Arnon asked. "It's OK if you do and equally OK if you don't."

" No, if that was it...I didn't want them to die...but it wasn't... Then she put my brother onscreen, and she was torturing him, threatening to kill him...and I couldn't take it. I broke. I gave the knowledge. That's it!" Maryam finished, her voice a little too loud.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that," Arnon said after giving Maryam a moment to settle. "You must feel responsible for those deaths. You shouldn't, but it is understandable that you would. What did the Cardassian do with the information you gave him?"

"...hopefully nothing." Maryam mumured. " As soon as I returned to the ship I made sure to make the data useless until I got outside help. And there was no sign that anything had been touched, or taken." Somehow, she felt slightly uplifted by his response. " I made the decision to let them die for the sake of keeping that information safe. I never felt guilty merely for doing this - it was the fact that in the end, they had died for nothing, that pained me. But in that moment, they were not dying for nothing. And even if I failed in keeping the information or the things it was hiding out of Marula - the official's - hands, I tried, and it was a goal worth trying to accomplish." I'm only human. I did my best. She breathed as she thought, A more skilled person may never have ended up in that situation, but once there, they might have done the same. I'm not a weak person. I tried to do something worth doing.

"So, you don't feel guilty about the decisions you made," Arnon said. "So why is it taking up so much of your thoughts?"

" I...that's not what I meant. I don't think I was wrong. But I feel like I was. And I feel manipulated and powerless, because that is what I felt then. I hate the fact that she ruined my brother's life, and forced me to make that choice to save my life, and my subordinate's life, and the lives of others who might be affected by what she wanted me to tell her. I just keep going back to that room on Cardassia where there was nothing I could do but what she wanted. And I never want to be in that position again. But I don't know how I can do that." Maryam closed her eyes tightly.

"Well," Arnon said. "Let's be honest here. Starfleet officers, contrary to popular belief, are not normally kidnapped and tortured for information. It happens, but I think it is safe to say that you aren't going to face this in the near future, so I think it is safe to relax a little. As for having people's lives in your hands...you don't have to be held hostage to face those kinds of decisions. They become a part of your life as soon as you achieve a position of authority. Even the lowest ensign has those whom he or she leads. Every Starfleet officer and NCO has to face the choice of life or death for those he or she is responsible for. The higher in rank you rise, the more lives become your responsibility and the more often you may have to choose. You are going to have to come to terms with that fact if you expect to advance or even remain in Starfleet."


" It's not...usually, the reason you make hard decisions is a life threatening situation. And most life threatening situations don't have a face. A bitchy face." Maryam muttered under her breath, remembering Marula Lang. " I have just been in too many of these situations, and this one was just the most recent in a string. I'm tired of feeling death on my shoulders. If I wanted to be on the front lines and fighting for my life so often I wouldn't have joined Starfleet. And at this point, leaving Starfleet...even if I wanted to I have nowhere to go. Here I have a purpose. If I can do my job day by day, I'm happy. Anyway, they said the Sunfire was cursed with bad luck, and for good reason. I hope that life is quieter here than it was there. God knows I need it." Maryam shook her head and sighed deeply. " I have the strength and determination to face life and death when the moment comes. I just need it to stop coming so often. I'm getting burned out." She said, smiling tiredly. She eyed the door, feeling that she had settled her state of mind quite clearly - having to explain further, she thought, would break this sense that she knew where she was at. " That's all."

"I think you've gotten so wrapped up in the parts of your Starfleet you dislike," Arnon said. "That you've ignored the reasons you did join Starfleet, the things that drew you to this career. I also think you need to find ways to enjoy yourself. Starfleet isn't all death and destruction and angst. I suggest that you have developed a bit of tunnel vision. All you can see is the bad. Maybe we need to find some good in being in Starfleet for you, both professionally and personally."

" Perhaps you're right." she admitted, " I need to find it again. Because I didn't join because I felt like sitting in an Ops room all day was particularly fun - nor did I join for the action. I joined to be part of something bigger - to be there when new discoveries were made, discoveries that would change the world. I still want to be a part of some great discovery. I guess - I guess I'll just have to lead us to one myself." she smiled weakly.

"That's better," Arnon said. "Until we meet again, I'd like you to practice focusing on the positives of being in Starfleet, the things that excited you about it, that attracted you to it. I want you to be mindful of these things. When you wake up every morning, I want you to spend at least five minutes exploring the positive aspects of being a Starfleet officer. Can you do that?"

" I suppose I can do that." Maryam replied, feeling tired. " In fact, I will."

"Excellent," Arnon said. "It's time for my next appointment. Be sure to make a follow up appointment with my assistant."

OFF

Lieutenant Arnon Barak MD, PsyD
Chief Counselor

Lieutenant JG Maryam Syed
Assistant Chief Operations Officer

 

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